Abandon Decency All Who Enter Here

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Sun, 29 Apr 2012 15:44:09 -0400

When you invite the hooker to dinner.

Tue, 13 Mar 2012 16:12:00 -0400

When you invite the hooker to dinner - an awkward tale of awkwardness.

When I turned 21, I went on an once-in-a-lifetime trip to Amsterdam with my (then) best friend, his (then) husband, their boozy queen of a friend and a straight man (whom I nicknamed Straight Sam). Despite being pickpocketed the first night, I still had an amazing time. I found out they put the hash in milkshakes, so I wouldn’t have to smoke it (yay) – that lead to a nearly three hour hysterical laughing fit back at the hotel to the comic wonder that is Dutch television. I skipped the sad, guilt ridden Anne Frank house for a more lively tour of the Sex Museum. I saw a live sex show sans donkey. I was stalked by a guy who wanted to sell me drugs, I got lost once and was accosted by a very rude homeless man, I ran screaming from a sex shop in the red light district when I picked up a porn with two cute guys on the cover petting a dog – I turned it over and saw they were doing more with that dog than just petting! There are some things even the internet cannot prepare you for. The funniest (well it’s funny now), most awkward moment was when we went to very small club, whose name I do not remember. The club was low key, no loud music and no frenetic dance floor. It oozed a kind of subtle sophistication, so I was instantly uncomfortable. That isn’t my kind of place, I like loud, trashy and where someone is getting sucked off in the bathroom stall. Little did I know that the place was essentially a brothel, selling very attractive men for an evening or for just an hour. There was even a book on the bar; very similar to the kind you see when your local bar is doing karaoke. Inside were all the “available” boys and if the one you wanted wasn’t at the bar they would call him and see if he could come down to service you. Gives new meaning to be “on-call” huh? So after a few drinks my friends approached me to inform me they had procured me one of these gentlemen as a birthday gift. Now I was raised to never turn down a free meal, a free drink or in this case a gift.

Listen, I am not one to look a gift horse in the mouth (even though I have no clue the meaning of that phrase) BUT if you are going to essentially, and let’s not mince words here, pay for the act of sex. I feel it should be with a person who fulfills some kind of fantasy you could not otherwise have. In my case if you come to me and tell me you have bought me a boy I should turn to see He-Man himself standing there. I want muscles; I want smoldering good looks, dammit! I want romance novel cover boy hotness standing in front of me. I want the personification of every fantasy I’ve had, and since it’s being paid for I do not think that’s too much to ask. What I do not want, is some super skinny, only medium cute guy whom I could easily score without paying, taking my hand and leading me into the “love room”. Now I have had some hot sex, and I have some awkward sex – but this was beyond awkward. I was not attracted to the guy in any way. Perhaps that should not matter when someone is paying for sex, but I was not paying in this instance, so an attraction to the other person is fundamentally required. I was less thrilled when he pulled down his pants. When I am packing more than the guy paid to service me – I want a fucking refund. I want there to be something in those pants that says “this is worth your money!” There was some touching, and he undid my pants and, you know. I wasn’t really feeling it, maybe it was the sleazy room (which normally wouldn’t have bothered me) or maybe it was the heart shaped Jacuzzi that we got into that failed to raise the temperature of our tryst. Then came the defining moment back on the bed, the good fellow doing his best to earn his coin began to position me for coitus, as the receiver!!! I quickly had to spin around and set some things straight, mainly it being I am no catcher. I am the pitcher and the only way I do the other is you give me all of three F’s – fuck, finance and feed. And while he was doing his best to attempt the first, he wasn’t paying my bills or taking me out to dinner. So none of that for you, dear boy paid to have nookie with me, none of that indeed.

So we just sat on the edge of bed wondering where to go next. Even though ol’ what’s-his-face was a paid hooker he did not go that way either. Which made me stop and think of how not being versatile is basically just bad for business when your business is selling yourself for pleasure. We ended our entire awkward sexual tryst with a little more oral and some mutual hand manipulation. Then quickly got dressed and I was ready to put this whole ordeal behind me, well until my friends, who thought that ol’ what’s-his-name was just the fucking bee’s knee’s INVITED HIM TO JOIN US FOR DINNER. See the way it worked over there was that the boys would hang out with you, go to dinner, go dancing, all with the knowledge that over the course of the evening they could persuade you into coitus and thus rake in some more dough. You can’t blame them, they have bills to pay. So ol’ what’s-his-name seeing a golden opportunity for a more gratifying sexual encounter and a chance to earn more coin agreed.

You think that you have had some awkward moments in your life? Try having dinner, sitting next to someone who was just paid to have sex with you – awkwardly awful sex at that, while your friends fawn over him, drunkenly. I did not even have a chance to share with them the events that occurred within the “love room” – they were so drunk and ready to go that we got whisked off to the Hard Rock Café before you could say ‘chicken finger platter please’. I drank the rest of the night, heavily. I was so uncomfortable, I really just wanted to go crawl in a hole and wait for the evening to be over. I felt so dirty – and that’s hard for someone who has gone down on people in a truck stop bathroom for blow. Despite my very visible discomfort my asshole friends were throwing themselves at ol’ what’s his face. I could only think one thought “If you liked him so much, why not just buy him for you and let me pick someone else out of the book?” I do feel even if He-Man had brought himself to life the end result in the ‘love room’ would have been the same. Awkward, paying for it is just awkward. I’d rather seduce some drunken dude who was going to regret it in the morning – that kind of ‘morning after’ awkwardness I can deal with.

My friends were also so drunk they believed they could get him to fuck them for free. -Um, not happening. Though I am sure if they asked to see his menu of services they could have gotten a group rate discount. Ol’ what’s-his-face was a trooper though, trying hard to supplement his income that night. He followed us to a couple bars that we went to, thinks get blurry after that – I do know this: Ol’ what’s-his-face got a lot of free drinks, I got into a fight with the queeny friend who accused me of trying to cock block (WTF?) when I pointed out ol’ what’s-his-name isn’t going to fuck for free. Ol’ what’s-his-name really liked my jacket and kept wanting to trade me for his (um, no) and that he finally wandered away from our drunken, yelling troupe at around 2am, never to be heard from again. I was accused of being a cock block all the way back to the hotel by the queeny one. Just jealousy I guess, they all wanted ol’ what’s-his-face tongue darting their stinkholes, and I was the only one who got him. I decided to not share what happened in the “love room” with them, instead I merely shook my head in agreement to every question they had, which painted a kinky tale of depraved coitus in their minds. They were besides themselves with delight - Hey, at least someone enjoyed it.

David Berlin's: Snow White & 7 Well Hung Dwarfs

Wed, 22 Feb 2012 15:08:50 -0500

I offer a warning: the following is crude, vulgar, racist, sexist, foul language, sexual situations and just plain bad taste:

Once upon a time, there was an Evil Queen who lived in a beautiful castle with her husband and his daughter, Snow White. But she never paid them any attention for all of her love and devotion went to the pristine cunt lying between her legs. She would spend hours upon hours in her bed chamber locked away looking at it, playing with it, talking to it in her large bed. Her Magic Mirror, which always told her truthful answers to anything she asked, was placed at the foot of the bed so she could admire her pussy for hours.

“Mirror, mirror on the wall, who has the fairest cunt of all?”

“Why only you my Queen and no one else, has the fairest muff in all the land.”

And so this is how it went, for years until one day when Snow White reached the legal fucking age in the kingdom. On that afternoon, the Queen locked herself away and pleasured herself for hours, before finally regaining enough strength to ask her mirror about her cunt. But this time the mirror did not tell her what she wanted to hear, this time it’s word were cruel and harsh:

“It ain’t you bitch!!! It ain’t you!”

“Then I demand you show me who has the fairest cunt in all the land” she bellowed at the Mirror. And instantly he returned with the image of Snow White, fingering herself, vigourously, by a wishing well. “That fucking whore!” she cried and flung herself onto the bed, sobbing and screaming. She wasted no time in summoning her royal Huntsman into her bed chamber. She handed him a small ivory box with a pussy engraved into the top.

“I want you to take the bitch, Snow White, into the forest and kill her. Bring back to me her cunt in that box.” Her words were cold as ice as she ordered her own stepdaughters death. The Huntsman bowed and stepped back, he thought of speaking against the heinous act, but knew better of it. The Queen had several boxes with the penis’ of others who had failed to satisfy her.

The next day, the Huntsman took Snow White on a stroll through the forest, leading her deeper and deeper into them. It took Snow White a moment to realize she’d never been that far in the woods before and turned around to see the Huntsman standing there, his pants around his ankles and his penis standing erect like a small soldier. Well Snow White wasted no time in falling to her knees and tackling the erection like a trooper.

Once the Huntsman shot a thick, copious wad into her mouth, he reached for his hunting knife. He held it above her, his hands trembling slightly. But he couldn’t bring himself to do it, no bitch who gave head that good deserved to die. He quickly bent Snow White over a log and began to explain to her the Queen’s villainous scheme all while having his way with her back door. Once he shot another load onto her soft white backside, he ordered that she run off into the woods and never return, except on the third Sunday of every month so that he may teabag her in the clearing in the woods. He watched as she disappeared into the woods, a single tear clung to his cheek; there went the best damn poo-tang in the kingdom. Before returning to the queen he found a deer and killed it, using it’s vagina as the one of Snow White.

Snow White wandered the woods for hours, growing more and more tired and was continually having to fight off the horny animals of the forest. She thought she almost wouldn’t make it when she came across a small house lying quietly in a small clearing, next to a small river. She entered the house and looked around to see a small table, seven small chairs, and seven small place settings on the table. She went up the stairs to find seven small beds lined up in a row, each bed had a sign hanging above it with a name engraved in it:

Sleazy, Cummy, Dopey, Sluty, Grumpy, Pudgy, and Cock

She figured they must be the names of the small men who must sleep here. I will only rest for a moment, she thought as she sprawled herself across the seven beds and hiked up her gossamer dress and began to furiously work her clitoris. Once she female ejaculated across the room, aiming at and hitting a small picture that could have only been the seven small men’s mother, she passed out.

She awoke what must have been several hours later to the sound of voices around her. She opened her eyes and indeed saw seven small men in cute little outfits staring down at her. At first the Dwarfs were angry and demanded to know why she was in their home and sleeping on their bed. And why the picture of their mother was sticky. Snow White wasted no time explaining her plight to the Dwarfs who all huddled together afterwards to discuss the situation. They quickly came to an agreement and as the walked back toward her, Snow White could see these Dwarfs were packing some serious meat in their small trousers.

They asked Snow White if she would like to stay with them on the condition that she cook, and clean and become their living cum dump. She said yes without hesitating and quickly tore off her dress and watched as the Seven Dwarfs quickly unleashed their massive members from their trousers.

“My God! You’re all tri-pods” she cried in excitement as the Dwarfs each approached her. “That’s amazing and you’re not even black!”

She laid back as they each took their turn pounding her soft white pussy, which had the reddest lips they’d ever seen, and the blackest most beautiful curls of pubic hair around it-but not too much hair, Snow White liked to keep it tidy.

And so it was, Snow White spent months cooking; cleaning and taking it up the ass. She almost forgot all about her Evil Queen stepmother, who at that very moment was once again locked in her room admiring her vag in the mirror. “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who has the fairest cunt of all?”

“It ain’t you bitch, It ain’t you” the Mirror replied, once again sending the Queen into a terrible rage, when he showed her the image of Snow White being Tea-bagged by the Huntsman in the woods.

“Why does she still live?” She cried as she made her to her secret laboratory where she wasted no time in transforming herself into a ghastly old crone, and brewing a batch of vagina shaped poisoned apples. “One bite of this and she will be as good as dead.”

It was the next day when Old Crone approached Snow White who was sunning her perfectly shaped love box in the clearing by the house. “May I help you?” Snow White asked quickly standing to her feet.

“I’m selling apples today my dear, special apples.”

“I’m not really supposed to buy anything, unless you’re into a little girl on girl. The dwarfs really are into that for some reason.”

“No, I’m afraid it’s just the apples today my dear, are you sure you wouldn’t like one, they are so wet and juicy.” The Old Crone held out a vagina shaped apple and placed it into Snow White’s hands. “That one is free my dear, don’t be afraid to bite down into it, get its juices all over your face.”

Snow White hesitated for a moment, but then thought what the hell, she needed something to get the taste of cum cock, and Sam Adams out of her mouth. She closed her eyes and bit down deep into the vagina shaped apple, letting its sweet nectar flow across her lips and down her chin where it came to rest in the small valley between her perfectly shaped bosoms. It was then that Snow White instantly felt ill and fell to the ground, through her blurry vision she saw the Old Crone melt away into the Evil Queen as she stood cackling over her.

“My cunt will now be fairest in the land, you dumb bitch.” She cried as she threw the rest of the apples onto the ground and made her back into the woods and toward her bed chamber where her new crystal 12 speed dildo had finally arrived and was waiting for her

The Dwarfs returned home hours later from a long day in the mine, only to find their beloved cum dumpster lying in a heap on the ground. They did not want to believe her to be dead, and quickly began taking turns trying to fuck her back to life. But it was in vain, for they to found that the poison has shriveled Snow White’s pussy into nothing more than a small dried out raisin.

The mourned for seven days, and then decided that she was far to beautiful to bury, so instead they would lay her in a glass coffin in the clearing so that all the world could come and admire her beauty – while jerking off to her cold, lifeless body. They built paper towel dispensers into the glass coffin for admirers to wipe up their goo after they finished, but they soon learned that it was folly. For no one could face looking at the beautiful Snow White once their seed had been spilt.

It fell upon Cummy to clean up the mess daily, the worse being the Deer’s who would come a great deal and prance off back into the woods without even attempting to clean their goo up.

“Fucking Deer’s!” Cummy cried, “I’m gonna kick your ass Bambi if I see your small cock around her again!”

Due to his lot in life and possibly because he had such a shitty fucking name, Cummy became addicted to the bukkake, and often ate it right off of the glass coffin. It was this unfortunate addiction to bukkake that would later turn him into a flaming queer, only to be killed early in his queer life after a gay bashing by some straight bears who didn’t want Cummy saying anything, after they’d pounded his small dwarf ass. Cummy would be buried in a small ceremony and his death would lead to the first “Don’t Hit Homos” bill passed among the Animals for Ethical Treatment of Queer Bastards. But that’s another story for another time.

Then one day, as Cummy was licking the bukkake off the coffin, a young prince walked up to him.

“Who is this fair Maiden?” he asked looking into the coffin.

“That’s just our whore, Snow White.” Cummy replied, “I’ll leave you alone with her, please use the napkins after you’re done.”

The Prince had already undone his trousers and had his small cock in his hands, but he only managed a half jerk when Cummy heard the all too familiar “splat”

“Damn that was quick.” Cummy said walking over and cleaning the glass. Cummy looked at the semen sliding down the glass and then back at the Prince. “Jewish, huh? That’s okay we get all kinds around here.”

“Why, how did you know?” The Prince had died his hair bright blond and refrained from joining any profession that had him counting money.

“All that kosher shit you people eat, makes your cum thin and soupy.”

“May I ask a favor, may I kiss Snow White?”

Cummy looked at him, no one had ever asked to get closer to Snow White, and mostly they shot and left. He told the Prince he would have to discuss it with the others and immediately called for the other six to come.

The Prince stood aside as the Dwarfs stood in a circle and mumbled to themselves. Finally Grumpy emerged and looked at the Prince. “You may kiss her, but it’s going to cost you.”

“Very well, I will do anything to have one kiss with Snow White. What is your price dear Dwarf.”

Grumpy eyed the Prince up and down, “You know what we want.”

The Prince let out a nervous laugh and looked around nervously, “that’s just a story, we don’t really have it.”

“We want the Jew Gold!”

The Prince gave in and threw the satchel to the Dwarfs who quickly began to count it. “There’s no need for that, I count it four times a day, and it’s all there. Now may I kiss her?”

“You may, but not on the lips. You must kiss her cunt.” Grumpy said, as the other began to lift the lid of the coffin.

The Prince so excited about this prematurely ejaculated again, this time hitting the stone slab on which Snow White lay.

“GOD DAMN YOUR JEW GOO!” Cummy cried as he dove to the ground to collect it in his hands and secretly devour it when no one was looking.

The Prince approached Snow White and lifted her dress, lowering his head past the mound of her over-grown pubic hair, and was about to kiss her when he saw a shriveled raisin where her love box should be. He quickly brought his head up and looked at the Dwarfs, “Fuck that!” he cried, “Gimme my gold back.”

“Please dear Prince, will you kiss her on her cursed cunt. Maybe like in all those stories you will break the terrible spell she is under and she will awaken and go off to be your bride. Otherwise you’re just trying to get it on with a dead woman and that’s just plain fucking sick.” Dopey pleaded his eyes wide with hope. “We will give you half the gold back.

At this notion the Prince wasted no time in diving down and kissing the shriveled raisin. It only took a moment and with the power of his kiss, and the thought of getting some of his gold back, Snow White began to open her eyes.

The Dwarfs were overjoyed when they saw this and each one took his penis out and let it slam onto the ground with a loud “thud”. Birds began to sing, the Deer pranced to and fro, and even the trees began to sway wildly in delight. The Prince too became excited and before Snow White could even sit up, he’d shot more Jew-Goo onto her dress.

“MOTHER FUCKER!” she yelled, “I’ve not even been awake a minute and already you’re spraying me with your Jesus juice.” She began to wipe it off and looked down at her hand, “You’re a Jew?”

He nodded his head and smiled, surely she would want someone clean, able to handle their finances and who had a circumcised penis, even if it was small.

“I can’t go off with you,” she said sliding off the stone slab. “It simply wouldn’t work, not that I got my pussy back I need to use it. I need to spread my legs and welcome everyone across the kingdom to enjoy my sweet juices. Plus, I mean look at those Dwarfs dicks, I mean come on, who wouldn’t want all that man jam.”

The Prince accepted defeat and half of his gold back and rode off into the forest.

Snow White joined the Dwarfs back at their small cottage in the clearing and enjoy nights of harmonious fucking with all six of them, Cummy had turned queer on them.

As for the Evil Queen, Snow White found a witch one day in the woods and told her all about the Evil queen’s plots. After tonguing the Witch’s beef sleeve, the Witch helped Snow White cast a powerful spell that would make the Evil Queen’s cunt shrivel up, like she had done to Snow White’s. Devastated by the loss of her beautiful hatchet wound and all the pleasure it had given her. The Evil Queen ran to the tallest tower in the castle and leapt from the top, plummeting to her death. The Magic Mirror was so happy that Queen was finally gone and that it would no longer be forced to show her, her own cunt. He could finally focus on what he really wanted to watch – Cummy getting ass plowed by the Three “Straight” Bears and some little Blonde girl with a strap on.

Retrospective of work I've yet to do - a blog.

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 16:48:00 -0500

As a writer I am constantly thinking up random ideas. I have a hundred ideas for stuff I would like to eventually write.

So here are few pitches for projects I’d like to work on, let me know what you think:

Sweet Sally’s Crazy Abortion Adventure: Sweet Sally is 15, kind of a slut, and is now in a bit of a pickle. You guessed it, she’s knocked up! Follow Sweet Sally through her crazy day as all she tries to do is get across town to the clinic and back in time for school dance later that night. All while avoiding a rabid group of militant Pro-lifers bent on saving the baby – at any cost. She will have to watch out for the Womb-Raiders, single, lonely women in their 40’s desperate for a baby and armed with their keys, and her boyfriend(s) who all want to have talk with her at the top of some stairs. Can Sally juggle it all and still make it to the prom in time for the electric slide?

You’re gonna love Sweet Sally, the down home girl with a can do attitude in this, her wackiest adventure yet!

HERMAN AND THE HOARDER: Herman is depressed, and for good reason, he’s dead – more importantly he’s a ghost. Now with his whole afterlife ahead of him Herman is ready to start haunting his first house, the house of Philomena Bill, a hoarder. Her house is packed to the gills with junk. Boxes of Old toys, broken TV’s, magazines, old Snickers wrappers, and about a dozen undiscovered cat skeletons. Despite his best efforts poor Herman’s haunting goes unnoticed. Resigned to living in hoarding hell, Herman is about to give up. Until a TV crew comes in to help Philomena tackle her hoarding problem. Can Herman make his presence known amongst the hysterics when a simple receipt from 1974 is thrown away? Can he spook the TV crew who are hiding behind hazmat suits? It’s up to Herman to save the day and scare the pants of off someone…anyone in this house of hoarding horrors!

BILLY AND THE EASTER EGG HUNT: Billy is 11, and his favorite holiday is approaching – Easter.

Wait till you read the wacky fun when the neighborhood molester, Mr. Rivers throws an Easter egg hunt for the all the kids. There’s no chocolate this year – those eggs are filled with Nyquil!! Now it’s up to little Billy to save his passed out friends and their butt holes! Billy will have to overcome his dyslexia in order to read the clues that lead to Mr. River’s Basement of Uncomfortable Fun. Push his asthma to the limits to overcome Mr. River’s Gauntlet of Touching! And face off against Mr. River’s and his camera in the -we-don’t-tell-anyone-about-this-secret-room room. He may have four pairs of underwear on, but they might not be enough to protect his boy parts. Through it all Billy were learn the true meaning of Easter, something to do with Jesus, and attempt to save his friends with as little psychological scarring as possible.

I chronicle my rejection, cause I am cool like that.

Wed, 11 Jan 2012 15:05:45 -0500

Why does my rejection come in pairs?

Rejection 1 - recv’d monday -

Dear Mr. Roman,

Thank you for your query. Unfortunately, your material is not right for the agents at our company.

We wish you the best of luck finding an enthusiastic agent and we thank you again for thinking of us.

Sincerely,

—— UM, no. I did my research and your agency is looking for exactly what I sent to you - why not just say:

“Mr. Roman, your idea was just fucking awful. I mean, really, that is what you are out trying to peddle. You think anyone is going to want to read this shit? C’mon man. We wish you best in continuing with your day job and please avoid sending us anything ever again.”

Sincerely.”

Rejection 2 - recv’d wed, (it was nice of the universe to not kick me in the teeth on tues, my bday)

Hey there Eric,

Thanks so much for giving me a shot at your novel. I’m sorry to say that I wasn’t connecting wholeheartedly with your writing, despite its poise and polish, so I ought to step aside, but I truly appreciate the look, and I wish you the best of luck!

Sincerely,

—WHAT DOES THAT MEAN??? That’s the second agent to say that - so I can only deduce that he meant to say this:

“your book is shit, I read those first ten pages, puked on them, and after my eyes stopped bleeding spent 45 minutes trying to find something nice to say in a reply email to you. Please do not even send us anything again, you no-talent hack.”

I call thyself rejection, cause what else can I be?

Fri, 30 Dec 2011 14:12:55 -0500

Dear Mr. Roman,

Thank you for your submission to ————. We enjoyed taking a look at CLOCK & HUNTER—it is a well-written, suspenseful tale—but unfortunately we did not connect to it as deeply as we had hoped and therefore we are unable to offer representation at this time.

As a small agency dedicated to providing our clients with the highest standards of representation while still seeking new authors and artists in a targeted way, it is all too often the case that we must turn away many talented individuals. The decision to accept a new client is one we take seriously, as we must be wholeheartedly committed to and enthusiastic about each and every project we represent.

Please keep in mind that ours is just one opinion, and we encourage you to continue pursuing your passion for children’s literature. We think you are a writer of great possibility, and if you continue to seek representation, we would be happy to see more work from you in the future.

We appreciate your interest in ————-, and we wish you much success in your writing career.

Sincerely,

—————

John Waters why won't you love me????

Wed, 07 Sep 2011 15:43:00 -0400

I planned on seducing John Waters. Why? You ask. Well two reasons really, one: he is fucking John Waters and if you are going to swallow a load why not one from someone you’ve looked up to since your teens. Two: So that every time I watch his movies, and trust that I watch them a lot. I can lean back in the chair and simply say “fucked him.” to the awe and maybe repulsion of my peers around me. In fact I have a list of celebs from some of my favorite 80’s and 90’s movies that I want to have sex with for just that fact. As I waited in line to finally meet the Pope of Trash, the Sultan of Subversive Cinema I had a plan formed. But then out of the blue I was triple dog dared to kneel, and address him as Prince SummerFall WinterSpring. Which if you read his book ‘Role Models’ you would know that name is one he is quite fond of. I had not fully yet read ‘Role Models’ yet, even though I knew our meeting was coming a few months ago. I wanted to wait until the book bore my name and his signature, then and only then would I read it. That was my first mistake. How foolish I had been.

Last year I met another one of my icons – Meg Foster. You may know her from several things, like John Carpenter’s They Live. I remember her from “Masters of the Universe” the He-Man movie where she fiercely portrayed the live action version of Evil-Lyn. Using my charm and humor I explained with a minimum of gushing how young, lonely gay Eric obsessed over Evil-Lyn. Using Meg Foster’s performance as a springboard for how I thought fierce bitches should be. You probably have seen the movie, but I doubt you have examined it as I have. Watching her gazes, the sweep of her arm, and the delivery of her lines all perfection. She was extremely gracious to me at our meeting. Considering this was a near thirty year old movie she only did so her son could see her is something. And she did something celebs rarely do at these conventions, she came all the way around her table and gave me a full –on real hug. There was truth in her hug, and I knew my charm and humor had won over an idol of my youth. My charm and humor however did not win over John Waters. Because I never even got to use it! I was nervous meeting Meg Foster, but I was far more nervous, to the point of nauseas to meet John Waters. I build things up in my mind because I am a writer. Every meeting or conversation I have with someone is usually preplanned in my head. If I call you on the phone to discuss something, chances are I’ve already had the conversation in my head. So did I think John Waters would find me hilarious, ask me to meet him after his show and then whisk me off on an adventure worthy of one his movies? Hell yes I did. I have wit, charm and a big penis dammit.

My big penis was not enough in the scenario. The triple dog-dare was to kneel down, address by the name above and pronounce my love. This did happen, and there is video proof of it. He responded with a smile and a very sweet ‘thank you.” This is where it goes down hill. I stand back up and slide my ‘Female Trouble’ cover art over for him to sign. Now did I tell him how important ‘Female Trouble’ is to me? Did I tell him that it was the first and for the longest time only movie that I came across where it was okay to be gay. If you’ve not seen it (and shame on you) the marvelously over the top performance of Edith Massey as Aunt Ida is Oscar worthy. In the film she begs her nephew Gator to please be gay. “The world of heterosexuality is a sick and boring life.” It was like rays of sunshine had poured into my dreary gay life. You mean it was okay to want to suck off every boy at school? For the record at no point in ‘Female Trouble’ does a character promote sucking off every boy in school – but I read between the lines. Did I tell John Waters how much the movie helped me overcome some inner turmoil I had. ‘Female Trouble’ as a life affirming movie – who knew, but maybe he would tell me a story of another lost gay whom it helped. Maybe he would say it was the first time he heard that and inquire further.

Sadly the above conversation did not happen. What happened was; he asked me my name. I said it. He then asked ‘do you spell that with a C or a K’ and I went mind numb and just thanked him for asking and said C. — I thanked him for asking how I spell my name??? Talk about losing your cool. See I said the ‘thank you’ in a way that probably seemed like no one had ever asked me anything before in the history of the world. I was the first person to ever utter the words ‘Thank You.’ – I hated myself. This is the man who hangs out at bars I am too afraid to go into. This man wears clothes that get him laughed at and he doesn’t blink an eye. And my simple, overly-enthusiastic ‘thank you’ was going to be the ammunition to secure a possible bedroom tryst???? Oh gentle reader it gets worse….

I then slid the already signed copy of ‘Role Models’ to him. He opened the page and saw his signature leering back at him - “Oh it’s already done.” – I then giggled and asked if he could personalize it. GIGGLED, like a stupid fucking Japanese school girl. Did I smoothly make a joke about not being some Ebay whore, and wanting it to be addressed to me to make other people envious? Did I make a joke about being such a bad fan that I made him work twice. Nope, I just fucking giggled. (I hope this is not on video – though it might be.) I GIGGLED!

We then posed for our picture in which he thanked me for coming out, and I said “no thank you for coming here.” – Smooth right. Did I take this last moment with him to quickly regale him with the story of the time I and friends went to the Holiday House, the biker bar from his film ‘A Dirty Shame,” yes it is a real biker bar, though not as rough and wild as you would think on a Thursday night. It took the few patrons that were there a moment to adjust to us but then hell we fit right in. We even helped a toothless woman celebrate her birthday and ate her store bought birthday cake with her. Only in Baltimore, am I right? I think this story would have amused him, maybe even got him to comment back or tell a quick story of his own. But nope, I smoothly just thanked him like a damn yokel and wandered off, head still spinning from being in his presence.

That was a sure fire attempt to seduce the great John Waters am I right? I am sure he has no time for giggly faggots who get on one knee. My attempt to seduce him was doomed from the beginning I learned after reading ‘Role Models’. It is highly unlikely that he would bed a random fan in line. I of course knew this on some level I am sure, but my penis is capable of amazing things. You know kinda like Harry Potter. Also retrospectively he, I am sure, was not pleased with my outfit. I am a khaki shorts and polo type of fag – if this was Cry-Baby, I’d most likely be a square, daddy-o. Though I do suck cock like a teenage rebel. No I am sure my buttoned down preppy looking shirt and khaki shorts bombarded his senses and offended him. I am sure my fumbling nervousness was obvious and I am sure on some level John Water was thinking, “Pull it together faggot.” But I will try again….I will carry on my quest to seduce him. Maybe not all the way to the bedroom now, my snafu out of the seduction gate my never be corrected. But a drunken blowjob in a back alley in Baltimore sounds good. Or maybe even just a real conversation in which I could actually convey how much his work means to me – and then a blowjob.

Photo

Wed, 07 Sep 2011 14:36:04 -0400

Photo

Tue, 21 Jun 2011 23:11:19 -0400

I call thyself rejection. part deux

Tue, 21 Jun 2011 23:05:00 -0400

Thanks so much for your query.

I’m afraid your book just doesn’t sound like the type of project I’d be interested in representing at this time.

I wish you all the best with your career and hope you find the right agent match soon.

Best,

(at least they wished me their best…I guess. PLUS I only sent them the query because they were interested in the subject my book is.)

Photo

Tue, 21 Jun 2011 22:51:13 -0400

Drunk Commentary test on Evil Dead

Mon, 23 May 2011 23:13:09 -0400

Drunk Commentary test on Evil Dead

fucking creepy - from Daughters of Darkness.

Mon, 16 May 2011 20:32:37 -0400

fucking creepy - from Daughters of Darkness.

I need say no more - Unleash the KRAKEN! Best Rum Ever

Mon, 16 May 2011 20:28:48 -0400

I need say no more - Unleash the KRAKEN! Best Rum Ever

I call thyself rejection.

Tue, 10 May 2011 18:41:06 -0400

Dear Eric,

Thank you so much for writing to me about your project. I read and consider each query carefully and while yours is not exactly what I am looking for, I would certainly encourage you to keep trying. I know your work is important to you and I am grateful that you wrote to me.

All best,

————————-

(Hey at least this one used my name!)

_______________________________________________________________________

Dear Author:

Thank you so much for sending the ———— Agency your query. We’d like to apologize for the impersonal nature of this standard rejection letter. Rest assured that we do read every query letter carefully and, unfortunately, this project is not right for us. Because this business is so subjective and opinions vary widely, we recommend that you pursue other agents. After all, it just takes one “yes” to find the right match.

Good luck with all your publishing endeavors.

Reblog if you are over 30...

Tue, 10 May 2011 18:37:56 -0400

retrogasm:

I want to know who all the over 30 tumblr’s are (like me) so I can follow you…

*I am following all who reblog this… it’s kind of nice to have some company from the over 30 crowd…

POP POP

Mon, 09 May 2011 11:30:47 -0400

POP POP

The Amityville Horror 4 - trailer. I wasn’t joking about...

Mon, 09 May 2011 01:59:00 -0400

The Amityville Horror 4 - trailer. I wasn’t joking about the lamp…watch for yourself and laugh at the ridiculousness

The 31 Worst Horror Film Sequels: part 3-D

Sun, 08 May 2011 22:32:55 -0400

(I didn’t forget 17 - I just omitted it cause I no longer felt it deserved to be on this list. I can do that, it’s my fucking list)

11) LEPRECHAUN: BACK 2 DA HOOD - Oh yes gentle reader you read that correctly, back 2 da hood! I guess after our favorite little man’s fifth film excursion where he found himself in the proverbial “hood” proved to be successful they decided to send him back there for his sixth (and to date final) round of treasure hunting. Once again this absent minded fucking Leprechaun has lost his gold and a young girl and her friends find it. Ignoring the psychic lady’s warnings they decide it’s party time! But ole Lep wants his gold and while searching for it he runs amok of rappers, an actor whose name is Sticky Fingaz, drug dealers, and the drugs they sell - nothing like a high leprechaun gentle reader. He dispatches the residents of the hood very quickly, like when he pulls a bat out of his afro. He makes the hood a bloodier place than it already is. Personally I avoid any film with “Da” in the title. Look it’s either “the” or nothing. This isn’t a race thing, this is an English language thing.

10) ANY FILM THAT TAKES THE FRANCHISE TO OUTER SPACE! - At some point it happens, you’ve told all the story you can here on earth so you have to take your franchise up, up and away. And by “away” I mean away from the cares of the audience. If the film has taken their earth based baddies and given them a Arthur C Clarke style make over, it can usually mean only one thing. They’ve run out of ideas and desperately searching for a way to illicit your nine dollars. So they send them to outer space! Leprechaun went there before settling in ‘da hood, those fucking adorable Critters went there, Pinhead went there (all of those films were the fourth in the series - hmmmmm?) And even the big bad himself Jason Voorhees went there in his TENTH installment. While they might provide a minuscule amount of fun, these movies are never any good. Thankfully plans to send Michael Myers to space have never gone through (it’s true look it up) but we can’t count out anything in the future - Chucky hasn’t gone to space yet either.

9) THE HOWLING 4 - THE ORIGINAL NIGHTMARE - what is that gentle reader, you have never seen, nor heard of this one? Well why would you. No only the sickest of the sick, like myself, have tracked down the entire Howling franchise (Yes I own them all.) I am masochistic what can I say. This one makes it on here because it is in one word: the most boring film ever. Oddly enough this film is called the original nightmare because it is also adapted from the novel that the first, and exceptional film was made from. Hmm, see what a good writer can do. While part 2 is cringe worthy (Cybill Danning and Christopher Lee aside) and 3 is an Australian mess that is ludicrous and silly. It’s the boring and slow paced part 4 that wins. A writer suffers nervous breakdown and seeks refuge from the world in a small town. Now involved in a mystery she encounters a philandering husband! werewolves! demons! Bad dubbing! yes even thought it’s in English it is dubbed and terribly. A short nun runs around and it features some of the worst ghosts in film history. I don’t know why anyone would watch it and I am sure the mere fact I own it has put me on a list somewhere.

8) PIRANHA 2: THE SPAWNING - Sure James Cameron took us to Titanic and Pandora, he created the Terminator and T-1000 but before all that he tackled this abysmal sequel (which he was actually fired off of!) Something about creature features of the 80’s they always mutated their second time around. This time those damn pesky piranha’s from Joe Dante’s film have spawned - wings!!! They fly on strings at people! A large hotel is about to have it’s annual fish fry on the beach and of course it will not be canceled because some people have been killed by fish with wings on strings. No sir! Cue third act party blood bath.. The film has a smidgen of 80’s charm to it but that’s about all it has. Look into the behind the scenes if you want a better story. Suffice it to say Cameron was a douche back then too.

7) RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD 2 - Dan O’Bannon’s clever mix of zombies and humor was a welcome retreat from the more serious and down-trotted zombies of Romero. But even it’s welcome silliness and a naked dancing Linnea Quigley can’t fend off the awful sequel disease. This film is pretty much a rehash of the first one! Even bringing some of the same actors back to play very similar characters. The cannister of gas goes missing, zombies pop up, and we know the drill. The humor feels very strained through out the film, too forced. And while yes we aren’t suppose to take this film too seriously. It still needs to be good. While some like this title over the others, I personally skip 2 and go to 3 - teenage love and hardcore body mutilation hell yeah. But before you go “can you please get that damn screwdriver outta my head.” - watch the movie people. But it’s bad so don’t.

6) JASON GOES TO HELL: THE FINAL FRIDAY - Where do we start with this one? How about gentle reader that Jason is only in the fucking movie for a combined 14 minutes! After being taken out in the first five, he passes from person to person until he can rejoined with a Voorhees descendant. Add in a renegade bounty hunter following “him”, the dude from the Friday the 13th t.v series as a main lead, and a host of other characters. And you get a gumbo of bull shit. Some very creative and gory kills but they are not done by Jason so what’s the fucking point. There’s some homo-erotic shaving going down in a sequence that I still have no fucking idea what is going on in. And all leading to Jason meeting his “end” by a fancy knife (undoubtedly from the Martha Stewart collection). The only, and I repeat the only reason, people lose their shit over this movie is because of the last frame…the now infamous moment of Freddy Kruger’s glove grabbing Jason’s mask. That ten seconds of film would drive fan boys and horror fans insane for the next 10 something years until we finally got the actual showdown. But as this movie goes, a lack luster snooze fest since we don’t have the hockey masked big guy doing the carnage.

5) HALLOWEEN: THE CURSE OF MICHAEL MYERS (ORIGINAL CUT) - My favorite series of all time. But I can not leave it out just because I love it so. It has a few low points (part 5 - and no I don’t consider 3 a Halloween sequel - it’s a damn good movie if it didn’t have the Halloween title attached to it.) Nothing compares with the original of course. Part 2 was a stretch but we love it, part 4 brought Mike back and is actually not a bad movie at all. Part 5 sunk down to the pits - WTF were they thinking. But it’s this turd (and yes I am aware that Busta Rhymes was in part 8) that leaves the worst taste in a fans mouth. It was this film they tried to explain away the mystery behind Michael Myers (something to do with rhunes and a constellation - I don’t fucking know) and pass it on to a new child. Paul Rudd (who denounces he was ever in this film) plays a grown up Tommy Doyle (that annoying fuck Laurie was watching way back in ‘78) There’s a baby, a secret society and even a whole alternate cut of the fucking movie (which of course I have, and while it’s a bit better - it’s not by much) bad sequels I can deal with (see part 8 with Tyra Banks and Busta Rhymes) but when you just shit on the series and hand it to me like it’s a shiny present - well then I say fuck you.

4) THE RING PART 2: There was not a scarier moment of 00’s then when that little long haired bitch came out that t.v set. Well unless you have already seen the Japanese version. The Ring is a really good scary movie that yes by now is already outdated (VHS tapes please - Samara better get with the fucking blu-ray). From it’s clever opening to it’s jaw dropping finale it was a pretty solid flick. Then they made a sequel. They tried, it’s all that can really be said about this follow-up. Samara has tracked down Rachel and her kid and even though that whole first movie was about Samara wanting to spread evil and make “everyone will suffer” - now all she wants is happy family time??? WTF - It goes against what the first movie set-up and became a tale of preteen possession. They gave Sissy Spacek three minutes of screen time as the girl’s mother, there are killer deer (badly drawn cgi deer) and a water filled bathtub that defy’s gravity! The film did little to scare anyone and wandered around until finally it was over. Maybe it’s not scary because VCR’s are something in our garages getting dusty or only kept in the bedroom because of the classic collection of porn we still have. Maybe it’s not scary - because it’s just not fucking scary. Most of us want away from our family, we aren’t possessing young boys to try to get in one! But hey those silly Japs made a sequel as well (and before this one might I add) that is similar and also quite fucking terrible.

3) FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VIII: JASON TAKES MANHATTAN - Or as we should call it Friday the 13th part VIII: Jason Takes a Cruise! After our obligatory back story filled opening, Jason returns and hitches a ride aboard a teenager filled cruise ship headed for Manhattan. I didn’t know Crystal Lake (emphasis on the LAKE) had a port or a run off into international waters. But let’s leave those silly geographical facts out of this shall we. Let’s also put aside that Jason is deathly afraid of water but has no problem being in it for half the film. After spending most of the film on the boat, cleverly and quickly dispatching those pesky teenagers. We finally get to the big city for the final reel and once there we get to see Jason in it for about 10 minutes. In a city full of lights, people and affordable accommodations our handful of survivors spend most of their time in dingy back alleys (our lead is kidnapped by heroine addicts 2 minutes after stepping onto the dock!!!) of Vancouver, oh I am sorry I mean Manhattan, yes its Manhattan. There is one, yes only one, scene of the big J standing in Time Square. I guess that’s all they could afford. It all leads to nothing and a waste of 94 minutes. Yet, it’s still not fucking short enough.

2) AMITYVILLE: THE EVIL ESCAPES! - Yeah you see that exclamation point, that is some serious fucking evil we are dealing with here gentle reader. A lamp from the infamous Amityville Horror house (that I do believe BLEW-UP at the end of part 3-D) makes its way to California to a mansion where it starts to do evil-lamp like things to the family there which includes Patty Duke. The special effects, if you can call them that are awful. The acting is painfully, painfully bad - so bad you will want to wish physical harm upon these fuckers. And let’s for a moment remember that this is all because of a lamp!!! This made for t.v fourth installment of the series is probably not the worst - one sequel involves a clock, the other just happens to be a house that is also in Amityville. But this one is the tamest for sure the others went from made for t.v to straight to dvd. But it’s a lamp - a fucking lamp!!

1) NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 2: FREDDY’S REVENGE - Sometimes movies need a little space to find their audience. Maybe Freddy’s Revenge is almost there, but still not quite. While I have grown more to be on it’s side, it is still a fucking worst sequel and perhaps one of the worst! After the immense sequence of NOES, it was a no brainer to whip out a sequel and “whip out” is exactly what they did. Normally, and as evident from this countdown, series don’t start really slipping till part three. But not Freddy, his overachieving ass had to go downhill with his next film. Ditching the, by then, horror staple of a strong female lead for a more sensitive male one. This was probably their first mistake, and while inventive, it was not handled as it should have been and leads the film to unintentional (or as we have learned intentional) homo-erotic places. Jessie, our lead, is being tormented by Freddy, for no other reason than he lives in the same house as Nancy did in the first movie. Forgoing the plot detail set forth in the first movie where Freddy is after the Elm Street children. Guess he is a free agent now. Freddy is actually trying to come into our world through Jessie (insert joke here). Freddy takes Jessie on a strange journey - to a leather bar, where I am sure his gym coach was hitting on him. To the showers where both he and his gym coach are naked. Hmmmm. Jessie also has an interesting relationship with his best friend, and a girl who wants him (she must be blind or her gaydar broken) Hopping along gentle reader we get a deranged parakeet, exploding hot dogs, out of control school buses, flying sports equipment, and other various methods of killing people. Of sadly there really isn’t that much on screen carnage. Freddy does eventually emerge and slice a few rowdy teenagers at a pool party (and utters one of his best lines “You are all my children now”) but the fun is short lived - as Lisa fights to release Jessie it turns out all you have to do is tell Freddy you love him. Awwwww. Look if it was that fucking simple, why didn’t Nancy just shag him in the first film and save all of us this damn trouble. While now we are learning a lot more about NOES 2 than we ever have. The writer was gay, the star was gay, the director knew what he was doing and I think he was gay too, but I can’t be sure. In a few more years maybe we can give this film a second chance. But for now in a series with a lot of low points, this is definitely the lowest. And to think they were only at the second one!!! Luckily Freddy survived his “gay phase” and went on to be one of our favorite villains! But for the most part, this movie still kinda sucks.

The 31 Worst Horror Film Sequels: part 2

Sun, 08 May 2011 20:22:00 -0400

19) Tales from the Crypt Presents: Bordello of Blood - Perhaps it is not proper sequel to 95’s amazing Demon Knight (Billy Zane, YUM) but there was enough cross-over to make it eligible for this countdown. The key (like the most treasured object for all mankind) from the Demon Knight brings back the Vampire Queen (one miss Angie Everheart) and she gets straight to business - the business of selling booty!!! It’s a funeral parlor front, for a bordello where you get sucked dry and not in the good way. Dennis Miller is P.I and the rest of it well, it’s not really worth much. The cast seems to know they are in a piece of dribble and Chris Sarandon is the best, hamming up his scenes as an over the top preacher/vampire killer. Personally, I preferred him more when he was a vampire. The gore is too comical to even satisify the gore-hounds in the audience. And while the Crypt Keepers wrap around segments are good it still doesn’t have the edge, fun and total package that Demon Knight had.

18) THE RAGE: CARRIE 2 - So it turns out Carrie’s dad, you know the one with the whiskey on his breath, didn’t just stick in that crazy bible thumper. No, No - he got around and that’s where this sequel, 23 years after DePalma’s exceptional horror adataptation of Stephen King’s novel, picks up. Rachel’s best friend, Arnie, becomes a victim of cruel game by the “in-crowd” and kills her self setting off a chain reaction in which Rachel uses her special powers to extract revenge. Sounds good when I write it there doesn’t it? The mangled mess of a movie leaves a lot to be desired. While actress Emily Bergl does a great job, the film just flubs around her. becoming not a timeless masterpiece like it’s predecessor but a victim of the post-Scream horror flux of the 90’s. Amy Irving reprises her role as Sue Snell and she is a beacon for horror fans in this movie. She brings a much needed seriousness to her character and it was good to see what Sue had been up to. Well until she gets it with a fire poker. Poor Sue. Opting to go not with a prom or other dance, our revenge taking, blood soaked finale occurs at a…..pool party. Hey it was the 90’s. Rachel’s tattoo magically spreads over her body and the bloody, carnage begins! Sadly the over the top gore is fun, but the scene and the movie lack the emotional substance behind it that made the original not only chilling, but moving. This one is about eye candy, and little else.

16) SCREAM 3 - Horror fans might be at odds over this title, some like it, others loathe it. At the time (and up until last month) it was the finale of the successful Scream franchise. And a nail in the coffin it was. Scream was a watershed film for the horror world. Scream 2 was victim the burgeoning internet and suffered for it with rewrites and issues leaving a more clichéd product than I think we were supposed to have. But it is part 3 that leaves the baddest taste in my mouth. Playing out more like a Scooby-Doo episode than a horror film. It is essentially blood-less, lacks any scares or attempted scares and is more about the in jokes than the plot. A thinly wrapped plot that tries to wrap itself back to the first movie (badly). Long lost brothers aside, it was not a, at the time, fitting end to the series. And even today it still lingers as an “eh, I guess I’ll watch it” - thankfully, 11 years later they rectified the situation with Scream 4!

15) HELLRAISER: BLOODLINES - I know that there are 6, yes 6 films that follow after this the fourth entry in the series. This one makes it on to the list because it is the last where Pinhead has a starring role. He is relegated to mere guest spots in the follow-ups. A time-hopping mish-mash of stupidity should have been the subtitle for this one. Look you know you are in trouble when it says Directed by Alan Smithee. In the 22nd century a scientist has found a way to atone for his ancestors sins - his ancestor being the one who created the box. From there we go all over the damn place - future, past, present, sideways, longways, upways, downways. Its a fucking Wonkavator of a movie. Pinhead prances around spouting his same ole’ same ole’ and then “dies” at the end. I died halfway through but no one seemed to care. This is a victim of studio interference and as such we were promised some Aristocratic Cenobites in powdered wigs wrecking havoc at a turn of the century fancy dress party!!! You didn’t see that in the movie you say? Well no on did - stupid studio always fucking with the horror.

14) THE FLY 2 - Brundlefly’s offspring is born, just as it’s mother dies. Adopted by Brundle’s boss in an attempt to utilize the dormant insect genes in him, and try to get those pesky telepods to work. Well Martin Brundle is taking after his dad and changing into a fly. And I am bored. Princess Vespa from Spaceballs is in it and hottie, well for a ginger, Eric Stoltz is Martin. But this cheesy follow-up is pointless Boy meets girl, boy and girl escape institute, boy and girl do it (gross he is half fly for fucks sakes.), boy turns into fly just like dear old dad and it even has a happy fucking ending. It does have a heavy amount of gore and a very agonizing and drawn act of revenge in it. But The Fly 2 is just kind of there. Let’s face it part one ends pretty matter of factly and that’s that. This attempt, to I dunno draw out a franchise or capitalize on the success of the Fly, is painfully obvious.

13) 3 - FUCKING - D: When I original wrote this little countdown we had not yet been privy to the world of Real D 3D. Which has quickly worn out it’s fucking welcome if you ask me. 15 dollars a ticket - fuck you. So this, with the exception of The Final Destination, is about those classic missteps in 3D. Amityville went there, Jaws went there, Jason went there, and fuck even Freddy went there. And all suffered for it. It’s a gimmick and sometimes it works and sometimes, well most of the time it doesn’t. Even more infuriating is when it’s the third entry in the series and gets the 3-D treatment. I ain’t buying it people - let’s move on.

12) JEEPERS CREEPERS 2 - Jeepers Creepers was shock, in being that you didn’t expect it to be that fucking good. It’s simple premise, few cast and eerie location (for my Florida peeps, just fyi it was filmed in central Florida) did the trick and brought us a new movie monster - The Creeper. Oh but how quickly the fun fades. Even with a plot device specifically preventing a sequel (The Creeper is only allowed out for 23 days every 23rd year) they managed to spin one at us. In part 2 we are witness to the Creeper’s final day of freedom. Opting for some reason to shift the theme to more an action thriller than horror film is some what confusing. Not returning Gina Phillips’ character is a mis-step as well, I wanted to know about her dammit!! Instead we get a broken down bus full of hot sweaty jocks and annoying cheerleaders. Lots of hot shirtless guys later and they are trapped on the bus not only dealing with the Creeper but with homophobia, racial issues and the current climate conditions of our country. Those poor kids. YAWN. Avoid this bloody miscarriage of movie and stick with the first one. But they have been threatening us with a third one for a few years now, so who knows.